Looking Back, Moving On
by LyricsArePoetry
Summary: Jess finds Leslie's diary after she dies


**Looking Back, Moving On**

Jess wandered through the forest carelessly. He took no notice of what was around because all he could feel around him was normality. There were only trees and trigs and grass, all real and all normal. Everything that he'd grown to love about the forest had died in that river with Leslie. There was nothing left there.

Less than a week had passed since Leslie's death and he hadn't cried. He'd been close to tears a number of times but never had he actually cried. He had attended the funeral and sat there in a numb silence as her parents spoke about how beautiful she was inside and out and how they would never forget her. Empty was the only word to explain how he felt, there was no feeling, no emotion. Nothing but the constant thought of her and how he'd never see her again. After the funeral emotions came and went and changed without warning. He found he was pushing everyone away without even realise he was doing it. He didn't want anyone except Leslie.

Without Terabithia Jess was sure he had nothing left to connect him to Leslie. He would have given the world to be able to go back and stop it from happening. Because it was his fault wasn't it? She had died because he decided to go off without her; if he'd invited her along she'd still be alive.

He reached the tree with the tree-house in it, it had once been their fortress, their place of safety, now it was just a tree with a tree-house in it. Nothing more, nothing less. Jess climbed up and leaning on the wall he looked out into the distance. It was a beautiful if not boring scene. The valley seemed to low from this height, and trees surrounded it. Jess closed his eyes tightly and tried broadening his mind the way Leslie had taught him before opening them again. Still it was just the valley and trees. He couldn't see Terabithia anymore, not without Leslie.

Jess remembered the box under the blanket that Leslie and he had brought up here. It was full of things that they needed or wanted to keep save away from their homes. He knelt down beside it and, after moving the blanket out the way, opened it. All the familiar things were in there, paints and paper which he had brought, pens of Leslie's and a number of other things. He rummaged through the box, not looking for anything in particular but hoping to find something that could distract him from the nothing in his mind. After a moment he found a lockable notebook and pulled it out. Everything about it screamed Leslie; the handwriting which insisted everyone 'Keep Out'; the doodles surrounding it; the fact that it looked like it had been through the war. He sat down properly and just stared at it for a while wondering whether or not he had the right to open it.

In the end he put the book down on the wooden floor, only to pick it up again straight away. There was two ways of getting into it: find the key or break the lock. He wasn't going to break the lock so he got back onto his knees and rummaged through the box again. Eventually, when he was close to giving up, his hand touched a small, cold, metal key. He pulled it out and quickly opened the book before he could talk himself out of it. Leslie's beautiful swirly handwriting was unmistakable.

_I'm not going to start this with 'Dear Diary' as if this notebook has a personality and is going to listen to me and keep my secrets safe, I'm just going to write. The problem is right now I'm not sure exactly what I want to write about. Should I write about school and how much I hate it? Should I write about home and how my parents are amazing but I wish they'd write less so they'd notice things more? Should I write about Jess and how he makes it all bearable? _

Jess felt the tears pricking at his eyes as he read that. He had no idea she felt that way, it was the same way he'd felt about her. Now he'd never have the chance to tell her that. He brushed the tears away and continued reading

_I'm not sure. I guess I just need a chance to say all the things I'd never normally get a chance to say, and goodness knows I have a lot to say. _

_It's funny because I always knew that I would never fit in anyway but I never thought that not fitting in would be able to be fun. Before we moved here school was hell and nothing changed when we came here. People are the same whether you're in a big city or a small town, their minds are set in their beliefs of what is right and wrong and how you should act and what's 'cool' and if you don't fit into that you're an outcast. I've always been that outcast and it's hard. It's hard not having friends to talk to and trust. It's hard being pushed over in the corridor just because I dress differently or act differently to them. It's hard to continue to always be myself, but I always did because… I can't really explain it, but it's like there's something in me which always stops me from letting the people around me change how I act. It's like I am who I am and if I haven't got that then what have I got?_

Jess truly admired Leslie for that. He had never made major changes to try and fit in but he'd made small ones, simple ones to try and seem like a normal kid. Meeting Leslie changed that, his friendship with Leslie taught him that it's all right to be who you are. He felt stronger and more confident in who he was when around Leslie. Of course that was over now. Could he still be strong and confident in himself without her?

_And then I met Jess. Jess, to say the least, isn't your typical boy. Poor guy is the only boy out of four siblings and his family aren't exactly rich and I know it's not easy for him. But Jess is like me in so many ways and I love him for that, I really do (Just in case anyone is invading my privacy this is friendship love not I-want-to-kiss-him love, learn the difference). Jess is open-minded and has an imagination and doesn't let anyone stop him doing what it is he wants to do. I know he's not the bravest or the strongest kid at the school, or even in our grade (and because of me he's not even the fastest anymore) but he's the kindest. To be completely honest I don't think I would cope with school if it wasn't for Jess. Jess makes it ok._

Jess blinked, the tears which had refused to come in the past week were started to build up in his eyes. He closed Leslie's diary not wanting to risk getting it wet, he shut and locked it before stuffing it back at the bottom of the box. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, wishing with all his heard that he had known this before, but more than that wishing that Leslie had known that he felt exactly the same. Before her school was hell but her arrival made it not only bearable but it made him enjoy it at times, something he had believed would never be possible.

He laughed slightly and at the same time the tears began to fall. He knew that with Leslie anything was possible, anything at all. The word impossible didn't exist in Leslie's vocabulary, it was scratched out along with _cant _and _wrong. _Leslie made everything real, even the things that could never be real were real with her.

He stood up and looked over the valley once again, closed his eyes tightly and opened them. Looking over the valley he saw the most beautiful sight ever: Terabithia. It was back. It was still there. He just had to believe in it. He closed his eyes again, and sat with his head buried in his knees and just cried for a while. It wouldn't be easy, it would never be easy, continuing to live without the spark that made life worth living would be the hardest thing he'd ever had to do but he could do it. He could do it because he knew he had to, for Leslie.

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**A/N: First BtT story, so please don't be too hard on me. I love both the book and the film but I based the characters more on the film because I know it better. Random idea I got when reading some BtT fanfics, started it just before New Year, finally finished it at like 3:48am. I should probably sleep now.**


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